- written byCory Montfort, MS, LPC-S
When you have been in the same romantic relationship for many years, you might lose the passion you shared when you first met. Has the spark of sexual chemistry gone out of your love life? Here is a list of ten potential indicators that your relationship lacks the intimacy and sexual attraction it once had:
1. Sex Is Off the Menu
Have you stopped having sex? Or is sex something that rarely happens? Does the thought of having sex with your partner make you feel tired or resentful? If you have lost all desire to have sex with your partner or they seem disinterested in you in that way, then the spark may be missing from your relationship.
2. A Lack of Physical Intimacy
When you first met your significant other, perhaps you found it hard to keep your hands off each other. Have you stopped hugging your partner? Do you avoid holding hands or touching each other affectionately? Do you still give them a little kiss goodnight? If you have stopped touching and holding your partner and have no desire to do so, this is a potential indicator that all is not well in terms of romantic and sexual chemistry.
3. An Emotional Disconnect
Do you feel some emotional distance between you and your partner? Do you avoid communicating with them because you are unsure how to approach sensitive issues? Have you lost feelings of romantic love because you have failed to mention unhealthy relationship patterns that have developed over the years? It is possible to unlearn how to have an authentic conversation about your feelings with your partner. Once you grow accustomed to not talking things through, the emotional disconnect can lead to a physical one, too.
4. No Dates
At the beginning of your relationship, you probably did many things together, such as going to the movies, hiking in the woods, going out to dinner, or going to concerts. Have you stopped showing an interest in spending quality time together on dates? Perhaps you have kids and are using them as an excuse to stay in all the time or go out separately instead of asking a trusted family member to babysit. If you have stopped making time to go out and do things that you both enjoy, your relationship could be in trouble, regardless of whether or not you have children together.
5. Separate Lives
Do you and your partner have different hobbies, interests, and friends? Do you live completely separate lives and rarely make time for each other? Would you rather hang out with your friends than with your partner? While having friends and interests of your own is healthy, there should still be some common ground between you and your partner if there is still plenty of life in your relationship.
6. Too Critical
When you fell passionately in love with your partner at the beginning of your relationship, you might not have noticed some of their flaws because you were so pleased with the good stuff. If you have now reached a phase where you overlook all the nice things about your significant other and focus on criticizing their flaws, it signifies your relationship could do with some work. If your partner is also paying a lot of attention to your detriments, start finding a way to get the passion back in your relationship by acknowledging the positives.
7. Separate Bedrooms
If your partner snores loudly or moves around the bed excessively, you might decide to get up and sleep in the spare room. Sleeping in the spare bedroom when one of you is having a difficult night is nothing unusual. However, if you habitually sleep in the spare bedroom and never hug your partner in bed, you may have an issue with affection, chemistry, and intimacy. You should be especially concerned about sleeping in separate bedrooms if you have also stopped having sex with them.
8. You Stopped Caring How You Look
Do you still try to look and smell good to impress your lover? Have you stopped caring about what they think of your appearance? Are you getting complacent about your clothes and hygiene around your partner? Do you live in your robe and sweatpants when at home? If you do not care whether or not your partner finds you physically and sexually attractive, perhaps you no longer have passionate feelings regarding them.
9. Attraction To Other People
Have you felt a serious attraction toward someone other than your lover, or vice versa? Has either of you had an affair? If one or both parties in a relationship have recently engaged in an emotional or physical love affair with another person, your relationship is not in the best position. It will be hard to restore trust and get things back to how they once were without some serious effort from both parties.
10. No Declarations of Love
Have you stopped telling your partner that you love them, and vice versa? Do you avoid declaring your feelings because you are unsure if you still love them passionately or romantically? Couples that are still in love find ways of expressing it. Verbal declarations of love are a regular part of life for most lovers who are still in love. If you have stopped declaring your feelings for each other, perhaps you need to rekindle the spark in your relationship.
Can You Fix Things? It’s Your Call
It is possible to rekindle the passion and romance in your relationship, but only if you both sincerely want it. For example, you can make a point of doing things like kissing more, making an effort to create some mystery, hugging each other more often, writing sexy notes and leaving them around the house, trying out something new in the bedroom, and going out on fun dates that involve something out of the ordinary.
If your relationship feels stale and tired, this was probably a painful read. However, having read about ten signs that your relationship has lost its passion, you are now empowered. You can either work to rekindle the spark between you or move on. Either way, your life will be happier in the future if you learn to reconnect to the fun, passionate side of yourself and your partner.
I completed my Masters of Science in Counseling from Southern Methodist University where I specialized in working with individuals, couples, and families. I have extensive experience working within the mental health community facilitating groups, conducting assessments, counseling individuals, and performing crisis intervention. I hold an active License in Professional Counseling and am also a board-approved Counselor Supervisor for the state of Texas.
- communication, connection, couples counseling, dating your spouse, intimacy, marriage, sex
- Blog, Couples Counseling
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