When many people think of Mother’s Day, they often visualize beautiful flowers, heart felt cards, candy, and a special meal with their moms. This is a great way to think about Mother’s Day! However, for many of us, Mother’s Day brings about an increased sense of sadness. Many people, like myself, no longer have their mom due to death. Others do not have their mom with them due to other reasons such as incarceration, never knowing their mom, being estranged from their mom, or their mom no longer being cognitively or emotionally there such as having Alzheimer’s Disease. No matter the reason, not having your mom is very painful, especially around Mother’s Day.
This Mother’s Day will be the 12th Mother’s Day without my mom. I would love to tell you that it gets easier but the reality is, I truly don’t believe that it does. I dread going to stores around Mother’s Day because I see all the advertised items to get and give to one’s mom for the special day. I often think, I wish I could still do it. To be entirely truthful, I still purchase a card for my mom and usually a small gift that I know she would have liked such as a bottle of her favorite perfume. The card is placed in a drawer with the others from previous years that have never being opened. The perfume, I will wear in her honor and memory. I also get teary eyed when cashiers and others say “Happy Mother’s Day” to me or tell me to wish my mom a Happy Mother’s Day. Sometimes I simply say, “thank you” and other times I explain briefly that my mom has passed away. I am not looking for sympathy, but I have found that at times it helps others for they are going through similar grief.
Due to Corona, I am sure many more people will be missing their mom this Mother’s Day due to practicing social distancing. I certainly feel for these people just as I feel for anyone missing their moms on Mother’s Day. I am also sure that many moms will be missing their children this Mother’s Day.
Another group of people who experience increased sadness on Mother’s Day are those who have lost a child/children. I am sure there is no pain like that of losing a child, whether it is from a miscarriage or later in life. My mom never could celebrate Mother’s Day again after the death of my brother- instead we called it “Debbie’s Day” so that she could be honored. This is not necessarily something I recommend, but it was what worked for my mom. Women who cannot have children also grieve at Mother’s Day for they are grieving the inability to have children. I know that when people say “Happy Mother’s Day” to me it causes sadness because I do not have children and never could (at least not human kids!). Fortunately, I am blessed with many fur kids so it eases some of the pain.
Here are 5 strategies to help us get through Mother’s Day despite being sad and missing our mom:
1. Cherish and share memories of your mom: People have good, bad, and funny memories. Think about your mom and reach out to others who can tell you things about your mom that you may not know such as her silliness as a child. You will learn lots about your mom that you did not know and have new memories to cherish! I learned that my mom told her dad that the cat she brought home was a male cat so that he would keep the cat but Harvey was indeed a female! Look at old pictures, movies, cards from your mom, and texts from your mom.
2. Do something that honors your mom: Perhaps cook and eat her favorite meal. Wear her favorite perfume. Light a candle in her honor. Blow bubbles to Heaven for your mom. Plant a tree or flowers in honor and memory of your mom. The possibilities are endless, even as we social distance ourselves!
3. Create something in honor and memory of your mom: A good friend of mine opened a program in honor of her mom which focuses on her mom’s passion of helping others in need. My family and I created and sponsored a scholarship at the school district that my mom taught at for seniors in high school who would be going to college to study teaching. We also donated her one rocker to the library, and they renamed a corner in the library in honor and memory of her. Use your creativity and imagination!
4. Communicate with you mom. Yes, you read that correctly! I said communicate with your mom. Talk to her. Write her a letter. Sing to her. Write a poem or song for your mom. Just communicate with her somehow.
5. Allow yourself to feel and express real emotions! Cry! Scream! Laugh! Perhaps, do all of the mentioned! Your feelings are yours and are not wrong! No filtering of feelings and emotions! Don’t try to protect others by hiding your feelings because it will only cause you more pain. As a popular song says “Shout, shout, let it all out”!
Mother’s Day comes once a year yet it is one very powerful emotional day for many of us! We are here for you at The Counseling Collective. Please reach out to us to talk and to get help. You are not alone and we care! You can also reference my previous blogs on grieving here:Loss During The Holidays and The Reality Of Grieving.
The mental health therapists at our office offer counseling for a variety of issues including trauma using EMDR, depression, anxiety, grief, and couples counseling. We work with teens, adults, and couples. We also offer online counseling services which can be great for people with busy schedules or for people who live in parts of Pennsylvania with limited counseling options. You can check out our website to see the full list of counseling services that we offer. Or, Request An Appointment here.
