- Amazon employees are mocking the company's return-to-office policy in a very Amazon way.
- The mock list reflects the rising employee frustration over the RTO policy.
- Amazon is dealing with an unusually contentious response to its RTO policy.
Amazon notoriously adheres to its 16 leadership principles when making important company decisions.
But the company's aggressive return-to-office policy, which has become a contentious issue internally, has caused some employees to enjoy mocking the famous principles.
Earlier this week, an Amazon employee shared a satirical version, titled "Leadership Principles for RTO," on an internal staff forum. The post, reviewed by Insider, tweaked the 16 business dictums to show employee frustration, and has become an instant hit internally, making the rounds across the company, according to people familiar with the matter.
One of the principles from the mock list was "Deliver Butts to Seats," a parody of "Deliver Results."
"Leaders focus on the key inputs for their business, which are of course corporate real estate profits, and deliver them by forcing their employees to go to a hub office three days a week," it said. "Despite setbacks, they send nasty emails and put people on Pivot to ensure compliance." Pivot is part of Amazon's notorious performance improvement plans.
Amazon is dealing with an unusually antagonistic response to its return-to-office policy in large part because it started forcing people back after saying it had no plans to do so last year. At the time, Amazon CEO Andy Jassy said the company would "proceed adaptively" to remote work.
In February, Amazon announced that most employees would have to start working in the office at least three times a week. While some staffers were in favor of returning, it's become a hot-button issue at Amazon ever since. Last month, Amazon started forcing staff to relocate near central "hub" offices, or otherwise take a "voluntary resignation," further infuriating some workers, as Insider previously reported. Now, some employees are considering drastic hacks to comply.
Amazon's spokesperson didn't respond to a request for comment.
Here's the full list of the 16 mock leadership principles:
Leadership Principles for RTO
The RTO and forced relocation mandates prove that the S- team is clearly not following the same set of LPs as the rest of us, so I decided to help them out and write up a new list of LPs that better aligns with the way they do things now. Feel free to use these LPs in any new hire orientation material going forward, so people know what they're really getting into!
Shareholder Obsession
Leaders start with the shareholder and work backwards. They work vigorously to maintain shareholder value. Although leaders pay attention to customers, they obsess over shareholders.
Parasitism
Leaders are opportunists. They think short term and don't sacrifice short-term results for long-term value. They act on behalf of themselves, not the entire company. If that causes problems, they say "too bad, I got mine."
Copy and Complicate
Leaders demand innovation and invention from their teams, which only happens during spontaneous hallway conversations, apparently. Leaders always find ways to complicate everything anyway. They are externally aware, look for new ideas by copying whatever other tech companies are doing, and are limited by "how things have always been done." Leaders never do new things, because they don't understand those things and that makes them uncomfortable.
Are Wrong, A Lot
Leaders are wrong a lot. They have terrible judgment and worse instincts. They actively avoid diverse perspectives and work to stick their fingers in their ears and go "la la la, I can't hear you!"
Stagnate and Be Stubborn
Leaders are done learning and have no need to improve themselves. They are stubborn about traditional ways of doing things and act to enforce them.
Fire and Demote the Best
Leaders lower expenses with every employee who quits out of frustration. They recognize that exceptional talent will willingly move out of the organization and just go work for someone else instead. Leaders demote other leaders to individual contributor if they aren't willing to relocate to a hub office. We work to encourage you to find a role on another team — you have 90 days, starting now, and if you can't you have to voluntarily resign. Good luck!
Insist on the Bare Minimum
Leaders have relentlessly high standards for how many days you have to badge into the office each week — many people may think these standards are unreasonably high. Leaders are continually raising the pressure and drive their teams to relocate across the country to a hub office. Leaders insure that defects are more likely to get sent down the line due to distractions at your agile desk. Feel that surge of energy!
Think Small
Thinking small is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Leaders create and communicate a bold direction without putting any thought into how to actually implement it. They think the same as they always have and look straight ahead with blinders on so they don't accidentally see any other ways.
Bias for Recklessness
Speed matters in real estate investing. Many decisions and actions are not reversible, but don't extensively study them anyway. Just do whatever. I'm sure it'll be fine. We value brash, heedless risk taking.
Extravagance
Accomplish less with more. Paying for unnecessary office space, IT supplies, electricity, water, and relocation expenses for employees breeds riffing, which is a good thing, probably. There are extra points for growing headcount as long as it's in a hub office. Otherwise? Be frugal by forcing attrition from remote and virtual employees. It's win/win!
Burn Trust
Leaders refuse to listen, gaslight their employees, and have no respect for others.
They make promises to employees then turn around and break them, as long as doing so doesn't get leaked to the media, because that would be too awkward and embarrassing. Leaders believe their and their team's body odor smells of perfume. They benchmark themselves and their teams against criteria they wont share with anyone else.
Believe Deep
Leaders operate at a hypothetical level, disconnect from the details, never audit, and are skeptical when overwhelming data and their own preconceived notions differ. Skeptical of the data, that is, not of their beliefs. Their beliefs are always right. Sorry, I hope that was obvious.
Disagree and Comply
Leaders are obligated to disrespectfully shoot down challenges to their decisions by people who disagree with them, because engaging with them sounds uncomfortable and exhausting.
Leaders have conviction and are tenacious. They do not compromise for any reason whatsoever, not even logic or basic human decency. Once a decision is determined behind closed doors with no data to back it up, they demand everyone else commit wholly. They really hope their employees don't have backbone.
Deliver Butts to Seats
Leaders focus on the key inputs for their business, which are of course corporate real estate profits, and deliver them by forcing their employees to go to a hub office three days a week. Despite setbacks, they send nasty emails and put people on Pivot to ensure compliance.
Think Really Hard About Being Earth's Best Employer
Ahhh, wasn't that nice? Okay, now back to your desks, peons.
Success and Scale Bring Broad Profit Margins
We started in a garage, but now you're not allowed to work from home anymore. We are big, we impact the world, and we are far from perfect. We must cause more pollution through the secondary effects of forcing more cars onto the road due to commuting. Our local communities, planet, and future generations need us to scrap our environmental initiatives. We must begin each day with a determination to push back our Climate Pledge by a decade. And we must end each day knowing we can make even more money tomorrow. Line goes up.
Do you work at Amazon? Got a tip?
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