Studies have shown that relationships generally end within 3 to 5 months from the day they begin. I can honestly say that before I met my husband most of my relationships ended in, and around, this window too.
Back then I wondered, “Is there something wrong with me?” Then I did the work and got a better understanding of myself and dating in general. I have now been happily married for years.
The fact of the matter is, although relationships end for all kinds of reasons and can end at any time, statistics like this average dating window just can’t be ignored.
In this “Amie’s Top Five List” below, I spell out my top reasons why these relationships may just be doomed from the start.
1. It Might Be Just LUST
When you first start dating someone, do you ever get that excited/tingling feeling throughout your body?
Inside my Conscious Dating Programs, I share studies from Biological Anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher, who is an expert on human behavior and how love affects our brain.
She says this is not an emotion at all, rather, it’s“a motivation system, it’s a drive, it’s part of the reward system of the brain.”
And because of this, our bodies have actually evolved three core brain systems.
The stages are Lust, Attraction, and Attachment. Lust, sometimes called sex drive or libido is often the first of these three stages (they can occur in any order) and is characterized by a craving of sexual gratification where the hormones testosterone and estrogen are released.
It’s these hormones that cause the excited “lustful” feelings you may have. For many, by the 5-month point, the Lust Stage has gone away and they are not able to move on to any of the other stages of love so that physical feeling of wanting to be with that person goes away too.
When that happens a bad relationship is much more apparent, prompting you to leave the relationship.
2. Not Knowing Your Dating “Non-Negotiables”
One of the biggest things I teach my clients is to know your dating Non-Negotiables with a capital N. These are also known as the “deal-breakers” in a relationship.
Things like, “I want him to treat me like a priority” or “I want him to be a generous person.” They are not traits like height, body type, or even financial status. They are the most non-negotiable elements for the success of your relationship and if they are not ALL met, the relationship will NOT work.
Having clarity around these important relationship non-negotiables helps singles understand when a boundary is crossed and how to communicate their issue to see if the problem could be resolved. Knowing this can help singles know whether they should stay or walk away from a dead-end relationship.
The bottom line is so few people out there actually know their Non-Negotiables, so they make a lot of poor dating choices when it comes to choosing a quality mate, thus many end up in a lot of relationships that we doomed from the start.
3. Daters Are Just Less Patient Today
The first time I ever saw a six-second Vine Video on the Internet, I knew that our society was forever changed
No longer was a normal two-minute online video good enough, a video-only 6 seconds long will do just fine. Like these videos, I believe our society’s overall dating attention spans are getting shorter and shorter each day.
I feel two things could be working here to make this happen. First, the desire to quickly ‘win’ the hand of a guy or girl supersedes the entire idea of building the foundation of a relationship.
Second, once they are in a relationship and things are not going so well, the need for instant gratification prompts them to quit the relationship. In both cases, it keeps people from ever getting past those first few months of dating.
4. Too Many Dating Options
With the endless array of online dating sites and digital apps out there, we have so many more ways toactually locate and meet prospective mates.
On the one hand, I feel this is a good thing because it gives you a larger dating pool to choose from, but it can also distract you from the relationship that could be, or is, in front of you.
I think that this idea that “The grass is always greener” or “There might be a better option out there,” helps to create an itchy triggerfinger when it comes to long-term dating.
5. Unrealistic Expectations
Many of my clients have spent decades creating the “perfect” partner in their minds. Some of them get so specific on surface criteria (height, weight, eye color, the car they drive, income level, what kind of music they like, etc.).
At the same time, I always instill in my clients that they must not settle for anything less than a quality partner.
I have them refocus energy on being specific about the important things that lead to a long-lasting relationship, for example, a potential partner’s core values, making sure their deal-breakers are met, and paying attention to how this potential partner is treating them through the dating and relationship process.
These partners come in many forms; for example, they might not have the height criteria they were looking for, but is still an amazing person and possibly partner.
Unrealistic expectations in a partner can prompt, quick, and often unfair, dating decisions that can end quality relationships before they have a chance to blossom.
The bottom line is if singles refocus from surface criteria to being more specific deep values of what they require in a partner, bad short-term relationships will rarely begin and quality long-term relationships will have a very high chance of blossoming!
If you’re finding yourself in a circle of short-term relationships, we need to talk. I can help. Schedule a Free Relationship Readiness Review with me here.
