Author: Expert reviewer:
November 16, 2022
Contributing Sex & Relationships Editor
By Kelly Gonsalves
Contributing Sex & Relationships Editor
Kelly Gonsalves is a sex educator, relationship coach, and journalist. She received her journalism degree from Northwestern University, and her writings on sex, relationships, identity, and wellness have appeared at The Cut, Vice, Teen Vogue, Cosmopolitan, and elsewhere.
Expert review by
Kristie Overstreet, Ph.D., LPCC, LMHC, CST
Clinical Sexologist & Psychotherapist
Kristie Overstreet, Ph.D., LPCC, LMHC, CST, is a clinical sexologist and psychotherapist with 12 years of clinical experience. She is a licensed counselor in California, Florida, Georgia, and Louisiana. She is also a certified sex therapist, certified addiction professional, and president of the Therapy Department, a private practice in Orange County that provides counseling services throughout the United States.
How long it takesWhy it takes some people longerHow to know when your over someone
November 16, 2022
The grief after a breakup can be devastating, especially when it feels like months or even years have gone by without any substantive change in your emotional state.
I once casually dated a guy for just five weeks before our communications tapered off, and now nearly four years later, I still have dreams about him and often catch myself wondering where he is and how he's doing. When he comes up in conversations with others, I can hear the anger and hurt in my own voice, and if I saw him again, I'm sure I'd still get a rush of nerves and butterflies.
Many people out there surely have similar stories about frustratingly persistent lingering feelings for a past flame. So how long should it take to get over someone? It's actually a pretty tough question to answer—perhaps even impossible.
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Pop culture (see Sex and the City and How I Met Your Mother) popularized that oft-repeated wisdom that getting over a breakup takes about half as long as the time you were together. So if you were together for two years, it'll take you about one year to get over them.
Meanwhile, scientists have conducted actual research trying to nail down the timeline for moving on: A 2007 study1 found 71% of people who'd gone through a recent breakup felt better after about three months, while a survey of some 2,000 people in 2017 put the number at six months. For divorces, a 2009 study found people take roughly 18 months on average to move on.
Clearly there's not much consistency here.
The truth is, as nice as it feels to have a formula telling you the end is in sight, many people (myself included) just take a much longer time to get over past love, while many others take far less.
"This is a bit like the 'how long is a piece of string' question," says Hilda Burke, a psychotherapist, couples counselor, and author of The Phone Addiction Workbook, in an interview with mbg. "There is no standard, no template for how long it takes to get over a breakup."
Heidi McBain, a licensed family and marriage therapist, tells mbg the timeline totally depends on the individual person and the work they're doing to come to terms with the breakup. "Some people get over breakups much faster than others," she says. "It's so dependent on the person themselves."
Recap
Research shows it could take roughly half as long as the time you were together. However, there is no universal standard for how long it takes to get over a breakup.
A few reasons Burke and McBain posit:
- It wasn't your idea. If it wasn't a mutual split, the dumper will obviously move on faster than the dumpee. McBain also adds that "if they saw that this was where the relationship was headed versus feeling blindsided by the breakup," it will also make a big difference. Someone who had no idea a breakup was coming, no matter who initiated it, will likely take longer to get over it.
- You were really invested. "One significant factor, I guess, is how much the person has invested in the relationship, whether they hoped it would be enduring or not," Burke says. If you really thought the relationship was going to be a long-term thing before it ended, it'll likely be harder for you to get over your feelings and attachment for that person. Your heart was already locked in.
- Cheating. If you've been cheated on, that betrayal can make healing feel all the more impossible, McBain says. Not only are you getting over someone you love, but you're also having to simultaneously process the fact that someone you love consciously chose to hurt you.
- You don't actually want to get over the person. "Some people don't," Burke explains. "They create a mental and emotional 'altar' of worship to their ex and go there in their heads regularly to worship. Often people who struggle to let go may feel that theirs was the perfect relationship, that there's no one out there that can compare, so they'd rather sustain the relationship in their heads than to confront the painful reality that it no longer exists."
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How do you know when you're over someone?
When it's taking an extremely extended amount of time to get over someone, it can sometimes feel like the end will never come. You get so used to missing them that it feels like no progress is ever being made. But if you're deep in the trenches of longing right now, know this: You need to feel this way to eventually get the closure you need.
"As the poet Robert Frost wrote, 'the best way out is always through,'" Burke says. "The only way to 'get over' a breakup like any other suffering we experience in life is to fully go through it, and that means letting ourselves feel and express the pain, to allow ourselves to grieve for what we've lost. … It may be a cliché, but time does help heal most wounds.
The first step in healing from a broken heart is to engage with the pain, recognize it, and acknowledge what we've lost. Only by doing that can we hope to truly and honestly move on." (That is different, however, from overthinking your breakup.)
You're heading in the right direction, McBain says, once you've "gained more insight into what happened, when you're not so emotional about the breakup, when you can acknowledge your part in what happened, when you can start to consider dating again, [and] when you've grieved the loss of this relationship."
"For each person, it'll be different," Burke adds. "I had one client who told me the turning point was his ex not being the first thing that popped into his head when he woke up. Another client was able to play a certain album again (one that she had listened to a lot with her ex) and be able to enjoy it. It's a felt sense rather than any external marker."
When it comes to getting over someone, don't hold yourself to any timeline. Acknowledge your feelings, internalize and sit with them, and avoid judging yourself for "taking too long."
Instead, try to notice the small steps you're taking each day, and practice a ton of post-breakup self-care. You'll get through this—at your own pace, whatever it may be.
RELATED STORY: 14 Tips To Help A Friend Through A Breakup, From Therapists
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FAQs
When looking at the timeline of breakups, many sites refer to a “study” that's actually a consumer poll a market research company conducted on behalf of Yelp. The poll's results suggest it takes an average of about 3.5 months to heal, while recovering after divorce might take closer to 1.5 years, if not longer.
How long does it take to forget someone you truly loved? ›
Take time and forget
Heartbreak acceptance takes time and is not something to forget overnight. Talking to someone close may help ease that load off your back. On average, it takes about eighteen months to completely get over someone. For others, it may take less or longer depending on the depth of the heartbreak.
How long does it take to stop missing someone? ›
Learning to cope with missing someone may take a few weeks, months, or years, depending on the relationship and your coping mechanisms.
How long does it take to get over someone you cant have? ›
It takes around six months to move on each time.
That means that the average person spends more than a year and half of their lives getting over past relationships. It's important to note that the six-month period is made up of several different timelines in the healing journey.
How long after no contact will he reach out? ›
1 For an amicable breakup: around 30 days. 2 For a long-term relationship: at least 60 days. 3 If things got ugly at the end: roughly 90 days. 4 For an especially toxic separation: indefinitely.
How long does it take the average person to get over someone they loved? ›
Give yourself three months to begin to heal
Studies suggest that most people start to feel better around three months post-breakup.
How long does it take to get over someone you thought you loved? ›
When looking at the timeline of breakups, many sites refer to a “study” that's actually a consumer poll a market research company conducted on behalf of Yelp. The poll's results suggest it takes an average of about 3.5 months to heal, while recovering after divorce might take closer to 1.5 years, if not longer.
Is it true if you miss someone they feel the same? ›
When You Miss Someone, Can They Feel It? While we could find no scientific evidence of this, some people believe that the answer is yes and that if you have dreams about the other person often or can feel their presence, these are signs that they're missing you.
How to stop missing someone you will never see again? ›
Take care of yourself
- setting aside enough time for restful sleep each night.
- choosing nourishing, mood-boosting foods.
- getting in some exercise — long walks are great for processing complex feelings.
- reaching out to loved ones for emotional support.
Wherever you fall on the spectrum of longing, experts say there are some helpful ways to mitigate the pain you're feeling.
- Spend More Time With Friends. ...
- Stay Busy. ...
- Look at the Bright Side. ...
- Figure Out What to Accept and What to Change. ...
- Find New Ways to Stay in Touch.
You may not completely forget about the person you love. However, you may be able to move on. Eventually, with time and healing, you could appreciate the positive parts of the relationship without feeling pain. Know that however dark things may seem now, the pain from a breakup may not last as long as you might think.
What's the longest it can take to get over someone? ›
Generally speaking, though, Juarez divides break-ups into three tiers based on what she's seen in her practice: To overcome a “big breakup” (a relationship of three to 10 years), it may take six to 12 months; a “mid-breakup” (a relationship of nine months to two years) may take three to six months; and a “mini-breakup” ...
Does no contact work on someone you never dated? ›
When you're having trouble getting over someone you never dated, accepting your feelings may be more beneficial than trying to suppress them. Breaking off contact with the person and redirecting your attention toward the areas of your real life that provide meaning and value can also be key.
Who should break no contact first? ›
Let your ex be the first one to break the no contact rule, especially if you're following it to try and get them back. It's easy to fall into a pattern of worrying about what other people think, but if reaching out to your ex and breaking the no contact rule is what's best for you, do it.
Will no contact make him realize? ›
For most guys, a “no contact” period will make them realize how much they care about you or make them jealous, confused, or remorseful.
Does a man miss you after no contact? ›
Does no contact make him miss you? Yes! One of the best ways to use silence after a breakup is to cut off all means of communication. That includes going silent on social media after a breakup.
Is it possible to forget someone you love deeply? ›
You may not completely forget about the person you love. However, you may be able to move on. Eventually, with time and healing, you could appreciate the positive parts of the relationship without feeling pain. Know that however dark things may seem now, the pain from a breakup may not last as long as you might think.
How long does it take to lose feelings for someone you love? ›
There is no set-in-stone rule for this. You can lose your feelings in a few weeks or take years to let go of those feelings. Most times, it depends on how deeply you loved them, how you prioritize your healing process (and cut all ties with them), and how you are taking care of your needs at the moment.
How to emotionally let go of someone you love? ›
10 tips for letting go of someone you care about
- Put yourself first. Feeling like you're letting someone down or hurting someone you care for is challenging. ...
- Let yourself grieve. ...
- Seek out support. ...
- Stay busy. ...
- Forgive. ...
- Learn from your mistakes. ...
- Consider cutting contact. ...
- Find your happy place.
Of course, some feelings of sadness, anger, resentment, and pain may linger on for a while longer. But typically, you're able to see past your heartache and into what else life has to offer within three months of a relationship ending.
