How to Heal From a Divorce (2024)

How to Heal From a Divorce (1)

Pain and shock may be part of the initial stage in healing.

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Your spouse has just announced they want a divorce.

You’re blindsided and feel like you’ve been hit by a truck. You had no idea they were unhappy because they never told you. Or maybe you were distracted by your career or parenting and didn’t pick up the cues.

Your spouse tells you “I don’t love you anymore” or “I’m not attracted to you” or “I care about you like a friend.”

Or perhaps they blame you for the decision and unload a litany of complaints. They may be “injustice collectors” who remember every disagreement or argument you’ve ever had. Worse are the threats to take away the children, or to “see you in court.”

Or perhaps you knew there were “issues” but you didn’t think they were serious or urgent. You thought you would deal with those problems “later,” when the kids leave home, or when you retire, or when something else happened that pushed you into marriage counseling.

Unfortunately, according to the Gottman Institute research, most people get to marital counseling six years too late. For that reason, marital counseling often fails to save the marriage, although the counseling might help you divorce respectfully.

Under any circ*mstances, the wounds of divorce will be deep

Even if it is your decision to divorce, your heart will hurt as if it were pierced. Your emotions will “hemorrhage,” as you struggle with the shock, hurt, anger, guilt, or fear. The future you’d envisioned as you stood at the wedding altar suddenly unravels.

This is a life crisis, perhaps the worst you’ve ever experienced. You and your spouse will feel and behave in ways you’d never have expected.

As you face a divorce that you didn’t expect and don’t want, the pain will feel unmanageable at times. Even if it was your choice, the pain of the loss can be overwhelming.

How you can begin to recover

1. The acute phase

As with any devastating wound, the first phase is about stopping the hemorrhage. This phase is about attending to your emotions before you think about any legal actions or major decisions. You may feel out of control emotionally or paralyzed by the shock. You may feel overwhelmed or in a fog.

Do: Give yourself time to process the news. Get support from your friends or family or your therapist. Take the time to take care of yourself. Remember to eat and sleep well so that you can cope with surges of emotion. If you are having trouble sleeping, you may want to talk to your doctor about short-term sleeping aids.

Don’t: Don’t escalate the argument or make rash decisions. Don’t rush out to hire a lawyer. Wait until you feel calmer and emotionally ready. Don’t talk to your children until you and your spouse have decided when and how to tell them. And don’t start financial negotiations with your spouse at the kitchen table.

Don’t: Don't do drugs, drink, or fall back into old, harmful coping strategies.

2. The acceptance phase

Once the “bleeding” is under control, you can begin to attend to the wound. Like most wounds, the bleeding can start again if the wound isn’t treated gently.

You’ll be on an emotional rollercoaster for weeks or months. You’ll swing from anger to grief, from fear to shame or guilt.

THE BASICS

  • The Challenges of Divorce
  • Find a therapist to heal from a divorce

Remember that all feelings are okay. Your feelings are a normal response to an abnormal (for you) event. Sit with your feelings and remind yourself that this is a necessary part of processing your life crisis as you move slowly toward acceptance. Emotions will come in waves, and over time there will be more and more periods of calm when you feel the feelings are manageable.

How to Heal From a Divorce (3)

The adjustment phase may start as you move through the legal divorce process.

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3. The adjustment phase

This phase takes place as you adapt to your new circ*mstances.

By this time you will probably be working through the legal process of your divorce.

You will feel stronger and able to think more clearly. You will have a better understanding of your financial and legal situation. You’ll be developing a plan, both financially and about parenting. You’ll be developing a new vision for the future and you’ll see light at the end of the tunnel.

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During this time, continue to take care of yourself to stay healthy and strong. Consider joining a divorce support group. Focus on your children if you have kids.

4. The healing process

Healing takes time. In the meantime, keep busy with friends, family, and work. While allowing yourself to grieve, understand that you will recover.

Take the time to develop or reclaim other interests. It is important to find enjoyable activities, but don’t rush into dating or a new relationship.

Remind yourself that you are worthy and deserving of love.

Develop practices such as journaling to help process your experience.

  • Find three things to be grateful for, every day, and write them down. With daily practice, this has been shown to reduce symptoms of depression within a month.
  • Be sure to exercise; even a 20-minute walk, four times a week will help you feel healthy.
  • If you have a pet, spend more time with it.
  • Many people have found that nurturing house plants or a garden is healing.

Consider forgiving yourself and your ex. Forgive For Good, by Fred Luskin, is an excellent guide to forgiveness.

Research shows that it takes about a year or two to recover from a divorce.

How to Heal From a Divorce (6)

Healing your heart (like all injuries) happens in stages over time.

Source: Photo by Puwadon Sang-ngern from Pexels

Like many wounds, this one will likely leave a scar. You will be changed by your experience. While scars are painful reminders of the past, you learn to live with them. Sometimes scars make you stronger.

As you recover and heal, you will learn what you bring to a relationship and what you need or want in a relationship. When you are ready to move on you will take this new knowledge with you into your next relationship.

© Ann Gold Buscho, Ph.D. 2021

How to Heal From a Divorce (2024)

FAQs

How to Heal From a Divorce? ›

Does divorce pain ever go away? It may not feel like it now, but eventually, you will move on with your life. In fact, as you make new friends and enter new relationships, you may find yourself in a place where you are actually thankful for your divorce.

Does the pain of divorce ever go away? ›

Does divorce pain ever go away? It may not feel like it now, but eventually, you will move on with your life. In fact, as you make new friends and enter new relationships, you may find yourself in a place where you are actually thankful for your divorce.

How long does it take to feel normal after divorce? ›

Traditional wisdom tells us that it takes approximately one month for every year you were married to heal. As you pass the one year mark, you are still in the healing process, but sometimes the edges around the pain have softened. Your divorce may be finalized during this year.

What is the walkaway wife syndrome? ›

So, what exactly is walkaway wife syndrome? In essence, it refers to wives who become so emotionally disconnected and dissatisfied with their marriages that they eventually decide to leave—often after years of built-up resentment.

What are the 4 emotional stages of divorce? ›

Divorce is a deeply challenging experience, both emotionally and mentally. By understanding the five stages of divorce – Shock & Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance – individuals can gain insight into their own emotional journey.

What age is worse for divorce? ›

The school-aged years are probably the worst age for divorce for children; the potential for emotional trauma from divorce is highest at age 11. Children in this age group tend to be more self-centered, meaning the breakdown of the family unit can feel like a personal attack.

Who hurts the most after divorce? ›

Research indicates life after divorce for men is more traumatic than it is for women, taking a more significant emotional toll as well as sparking physical deterioration. Women file for divorce 70% of the time, and when it's a shock, with no time to prepare — that has a marked impact on how men handle divorce.

Who feels better after divorce? ›

A study by Kingston University in the UK found that despite the negative financial impact of divorce on women, they are generally happier than men after divorce.

How does divorce change a woman? ›

Divorce is a life-changing event that affects both men and women, but studies have shown that women often experience more negative effects both financially and emotionally. For many women, divorce can lead to financial instability, loss of social support, and a decline in their mental health.

How long does divorce grief last? ›

Individuals may go through several stages of mourning or grief. The emotional intensity of this period usually reaches a peak within the first six months of separation. However, the grieving process may take as long as two years.

How to cope with a divorce you didn't want? ›

The most important thing you can do is to take care of yourself: get emotional support, make sure you stay healthy with good eating, sleep, and exercise. A divorce coach can help you navigate this turbulent time. Focus on building a new life that you will enjoy. You are not alone, and you will recover.

How to cope with divorce when you still love him? ›

Prioritize Self-Care

Make time for activities that bring you joy and relaxation. This could include exercise, meditation, spending time with loved ones, or pursuing a hobby. Taking care of your physical and emotional health will help you cope better with the emotional turmoil of divorce.

What does divorce do to a woman emotionally? ›

Divorce can lead to a wide range of emotions for a woman, including sadness, anger, confusion, and relief.

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