Trust issues in relationships manifest in a variety of different ways: Some people feel jealous easily or are always worried that their partner is cheating. Others have trouble believing what their partner says or are often skeptical of his or her actions. If you fall into any of these camps, know that you're far from alone. Many people experience relationship trust issues at one point or another, and it doesn't have to be an indicator that a partnership is destined for failure. The important thing is to determine if your feelings are entirely normal or if they're a sign of a deeper-rooted issue.
To help you navigate your trust issues, we turned to Tamara Green, a licensed social worker in New York City who specializes in couples counseling, for advice. Here, she explains the different types of trust issues as well as indicators of them. She also provides general tips and strategies for overcoming them in your relationship.
Meet the Expert
Tamara Green is a licensed social worker in New York City who specializes in couples counseling.
"Being non-trusting doesn't automatically mean there's a trust issue," Green explains. "There are times when a person will feel mistrusting, but for good reason. The key to ask oneself is, 'Are my feelings of mistrust a repeated experience or pattern?' If not, then there's no trust issue, only awareness, and discernment."
Read on to learn more.
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Types of Trust Issues in a Relationship
There are different kinds and levels of trust issues, says Green. Here, she outlines some of the more common ones.
Pistanthrophobia
"Those with this phobia have fear of trusting others,especially in romantic relationships," says Green. "This can includea persistent, irrational, and excessive fear about a person, activity, situation, or object." The key word here is irrational. Many people with this type of phobia don't experience a real threat or danger, but an imagined one. Still, it feels real. "They often use distancing or avoiding behaviors to deal with their extreme fears," she explains. "Sometimes their anxiety can be quite severe, even to the point of a panic attack."
Jealousy
"On the other end of the spectrum is the jealous type—the one who doesn't want their partner out of their sight," says Green. "They easily feel threatened and are trigged by others outside of the relationship. This person can be overbearing, smothering, possessive, controlling, or quick to anger."
More Wrong Than Right
"This person's attention is focused mostly on what'swrongwith the partner or the situation," Green says. "They can be hyper-critical, list reasons why their partner is not a good fit, or why their relationship can't work.Sometimes it's not anything specific, but rather, a general mistrust."
Partner-Picker Is Broken
A person with this phobia mistrusts themselves, rather than their partner. It can be damaging to a relationship because a person with this condition will never be content. "This person has difficulty trusting their own choices," says Green. "It's a'grass is greener'mentality where theysecond-guessand wonder if there are better options out there."
Signs You Have Trust Issues in Your Relationship
There are certain behaviors you should watch out for that are indicators you or your partner has trust issues.
A Tendency to Blame or Overreact
If you have a tendency to blame or overreact or are constantly looking for signs of possible betrayal, those are indicators that a trust issue might be happening, says Green. "You assume or fear that at some point your partner will hurt or abandon you," she explains.
Commitment Issues
If you have difficulty committing to a partner or you keep your partner at a distance, you might also have trust issues. Green explains that "self-sabotaging and relationship-sabotaging behaviors" are worrisome.
Being Attracted to Partners Who Are Mistrustful
People with low esteem, anxiety, depression, or loneliness can also have trust issues. Another key indicator is if you regularly get in relationships with partners who are mistrustful. Being attracted to people with trust issues might mean you have them yourself.
Causes of Trust Issues in Relationships
"People with trust issues are not born that way," Green explains. "They become mistrusting because they've had a number of experiences that prove in their mind that partners can't be trusted." It doesn't even have to be past romantic relationships that cause harm. For many people, their issues stem back to their childhood. Maybe they heard their parents yelling at each other or they witnessed one parent betraying another—these common occurrences can lead a person to develop their own trust issues down the line.
"People who have trust issues are doing their best to avoid hurt, betrayal, and abandonment," adds Green. Basically, they use defense mechanisms so they won't get hurt the way they did in the past. However, this strategy creates more hurt, because it prevents a person from being part of a loving, healthy relationship. "They aren't necessarily aware that they are creating much of their own relationship problems," she explains.
How to Overcome Trust Issues in Your Relationship
Self Discovery
"It's always an inside job and very important to go within to explore the original source of pain, hurt, or betrayal," Green says. "Self-discovery will help you understand why you have mistrusting behaviors and repeated experiences of mistrustful partners."
Some ways to help yourself including reading self-help books and articles about trust issues. Green also recommends going to online mental health summits, which you can search for on the internet. You can also journal your feelings and get to know yourself and why you feel the way you do.
Having mantras and reminding yourself of your worth can also help. "Create and commit to powerful intentions," she suggests. "Repeat to yourself phrases including: I am lovable, I deserve love, I trust that true love is possible, and I am healed."
Communicate With Your Partner
"Regularly talk with your partner," Green advises. "Begin to have calm, authentic, and vulnerable conversations with your partner about your feelings. Ask for gentle feedback, that you're open to understanding their perspective on things." It will also help your self-esteem because you will feel proud that you are improving your communication skills and growing closer with someone else.
Know When to Get Help
There are signs that you should seek out professional help, says Green: "Don't do this alone if you have legitimately tried to help yourself and are still having trust issues." If you continuously experience anxiety, low self-esteem, loneliness, or depression or if you are ready to give up on finding love and having a healthy relationship for good, get help!
"Understanding yourself, changing unwanted behaviors, and seeking a healthy relationship can be challenging on your own," she explains. "Find a qualified mental health professional such as a psychotherapist, couples therapist, highly trained love and relationship coach, or psychiatrist."
She also encourages you to screen potential mental health professionals. "Be aware that even though counselors may be well-intentioned, there are a number of them that may be struggling with these sameissues," she says. "Make sure you ask your prospective counselor if they have had their own therapy, coaching, or have attended growth courses or had trust issues." You can also ask for examples of how they've helped clients resolve their own trust issues.
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