What Is 'The Spark?' According to Dating Experts (2024)

As somebody who's been searching for that "spark" for the last, well, too long, I know that it's not always a failsafe kind of love. Exhibit A: In my previous relationships, there were sparks from the first date to the first kiss. But in the end, the guys were never all that thoughtful, reliable, or good partners. In other words, the spark was really all there was to the relationship.

Now enter sweet but sparkless fourth-date guy — as a spark seeker in my past relationship lifetime, I would've moved on by now. But according to dating experts, a real healthy spark and foundation can take time to build, a.k.a. that love-at-first-sight feeling isn't all that sustainable.

Before you call it quits over a lack of instant chemistry or dive all in with "sparky" suitor, read on for relationship experts Logan Ury's and Susan Trombetti's opinions on those infamous "sparks" — and why you're probably better off letting your relationship "simmer."

What Is a Spark?

We say that "there are sparks" between two people when they seem like they're really into each other. You might also describe this as feeling chemistry with someone or having a good dynamic. If you feel infatuated with someone or get excited by the thought of seeing them, you might also say there's a spark.

The Importance of a Spark

An immediate spark can actually mean very little in the grand scheme of a relationship. In fact, sometimes a spark right off the bat can be "dangerous" or even a red flag. "Some people are just very 'sparky,'" explains Ury. "They're good at making a lot of people feel an instant connection; perhaps they're extremely attractive or best-in-class flirts." That's all fun and games until you realize they're just really good at getting people to like them. "Sometimes the spark is more an indication of how charming someone is — or narcissistic — and less a sign of a shared connection."

Sure, when someone plays games or makes you chase them, you may feel excitement and what you think are "sparks," but Ury says you're likely just confusing anxiety for chemistry. "Sometimes those butterflies are actually alarm bells," she adds.

Many times, a spark can be superficial or what Trombetti calls a "false start." "Think of someone that has a type; it's just someone in the past they liked and that person reminds them in looks of an old love, but it isn't that person," she says. "You project onto them, and then [once you get to] know them, it doesn't always work." Trombetti adds that the older we get, the longer it may take to grow that connection, but that chemistry (a.k.a. a "true spark" and connection) can simmer and burn over time.

What Is Simmering?

They say patience is a virtue, and that sentiment checks out with simmering. Essentially, simmering is taking things slow and getting to know the person to build a spark. As hard as it may be, Ury says playing the waiting game can be so worth it. In fact, it's been proven that familiarity breeds attraction. "Psychologists call this the Mere Exposure Effect," she explains. "We're attracted to and feel safe around familiar things and people."

Not to mention, you could miss out on a really great person just because you didn't initially feel those fireworks, when in reality, Ury says she has seen many healthy long-term relationships that don't start with a spark because they have a strong foundation.

"Some of the best relationships come from a slow burn rather than a spark," says Ury. "The important thing to remember is that its absence doesn't predict failure, and its presence doesn't guarantee success."

Why a Simmer Is Superior to a Spark

Hinge has the stats to back up this concept. Ury says that in a survey conducted by their team, one in three (32%) users say they need two to three dates with someone to find out if they're compatible. "It's important to give someone a chance as you build the relationship, even if you don't feel that initial pang of chemistry," says Ury. "The right relationship might take some time to warm up, but it'll be worth the wait."

While first dates, in particular, can feel awkward and as if you need to fill every second with conversation (I know I'm certainly guilty of that), it's important to focus more on listening. And don't feel pressured to make any decisions after just one date. "It takes time to get to know someone, and people are often nervous on a first date," says Trombetti. "The first date is just for seeing if you want to have a second date and that's it."

To help a relationship "simmer", she suggests opting for fun, active dates (like bungee jumping if you're adventurous, or even just watching a horror movie) to build the excitement and push you out of your comfort zone. "The adrenaline rush mimics passion and creates that spark."

When to Give Up on a Spark

This answer differs for everyone, but Trombetti suggests giving it five to six dates "as long as the person is respectful to you," of course. Ury agrees that if your date embodies the qualities you're looking for, but doesn't give you that initial spark, you shouldn't write them off or give up immediately.

While this sounds fair enough, it can be hard to know when to throw in the towel. How do you know when something isn't going to grow into more? Ury developed a list of questions to ask yourself after every date called the Post Date Eight, which can help you determine just that:

1. What side of me did they bring out?
2. How did my body feel during the date? Stiff, relaxed, or something in between?
3. Do I feel more energized or de-energized than I did before the date?
4. Is there something about them I'm curious about?
5. Did they make me laugh?
6. Did I feel heard?
7. Did I feel attractive in their presence?
8. Did I feel captivated, bored, or something in between?

The Bottom Line

"Eff the spark," says Ury. "I've come to see the spark, or instant chemistry, as one of the most dangerous concepts in modern dating. Expecting the spark causes us to miss out on amazing partners because we fail to see their true potential."