What to say and what not to say to someone who is grieving
As part of this year's National Grief Awareness Week, here are some helpful resources from our Bereavement Support Team with suggestions ofwhat to say and what not to say to someone who is grieving.
What To Say And What Not To Say To A Grieving Person
When someone you know has lost a loved one, it is natural to want to comfort and offer words of consolation. However, you must be careful what you say because sometimes what you may think are words of consolation may actually be hurtful to the bereaved person. Saying things like “She is in a better place” or “He’s better off” can be offensive. For a person grieving, the better place for a loved one is here, not on the Other Side. Tellingsomeone a loved one is better off dead will most likely be takenas a cold and callous comment.
The best things to say are those of a supportive nature. Stay away from judgments about the deceased person or his/her behavior. This is especially true in cases of suicide. Your place is to console, not to judge.
Acknowledge the person’s loss and avoid saying things like “I’m glad it was you and not me.” Don’t tell anyone what to do or to change his or her feelings. Don’t ask anything of a bereaved person other then what you might be able to do to help. Don’t put time limits on grief and say things like, “Time heals all” or “Life goes on.”
The following are some suggestions of what not to say and what to say:
Things Not to Say to Someone in Grief:
You’ll get through it, be strong.
He brought this on himself, it was his fault.
She’s in a better place.
It’s been a while, aren’t you over her yet?
He lived a long time, at least he didn’t die young.
God must have wanted her there because she was such a good person.
I don’t know what to say, I wish I had the right words to comfort you.
You, your family and your loved one will be in my thoughts and prayers.
She was so nice to me; one of my favorite memories of her was…(share a happy memory of the person who passed)
Whenever you want to talk, just know I am a phone call away.
She was so wonderful, she’ll be missed by so many people.
I’m your friend—I’m here for you.
If you can’t think of anything to say, a hug may be appropriate, (covid permitting!)
Sometimes just be with the person, you don’t have to say anything.
Remember, grieving the loss of a loved one is the worst pain someone can endure. Be respectful and polite. Don’t discount anyone’s feelings. Even if someone puts on a brave face and looks like he or she is handling it well, don’t assume that person is. Show that you care. Actions often speak louder then words. Offer to take them to the grocery store, watch the children for an afternoon, and help around the house. These gestures mean a lot to a person whose world has just been turned upside down.
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Your place is to console, not to judge. Acknowledge the person's loss and avoid saying things like “I'm glad it was you and not me.” Don't tell anyone what to do or to change his or her feelings. Don't ask anything of a bereaved person other then what you might be able to do to help.
“I'm so sorry for the pain that you must be feeling right now; please know that I am here for you if you need a listening ear or shoulder to cry on.” “I'm sending warm wishes of peace and comfort to you in this difficult time.” “I wish I could take away your pain, but know that I'm here for you if you need me.”
It should go without saying, but there is no world in which judging someone helps them in their grief. Comments like “You should be over it; it's been a year already,” “You look like you need to get more sleep and eat more,” or “I thought you'd be more upset” are never okay.
One day they may want to cry on your shoulder, on another day they may want to vent, or sit in silence, or share memories. By being present and listening compassionately, you can take your cues from the grieving person. Simply being there and listening to them can be a huge source of comfort and healing.
I can't imagine what you're going through. I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't know what to say, I wish I had the right words to comfort you. You, your family and your loved one will be in my thoughts and prayers.
"If tears could build a stairway,and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to Heaven and bring you home again." "Although it's difficult today to see beyond the sorrow, May looking back in memory help comfort you tomorrow." "Grief is itself a medicine."
Simple phrases like “I'm so sorry for your loss” or “Please accept my heartfelt condolences” can go a long way in conveying your support. Be genuine and sincere in your words and let the person know that you are there for them during this difficult time.
“May you be comforted by the outpouring of love surrounding you.” “We hope you know we are by your side during this time of sorrow.” “Sending you strength today and peace in all the days ahead.” “Wishing you peace and comfort in these difficult days.”
Introduction: My name is Nicola Considine CPA, I am a determined, witty, powerful, brainy, open, smiling, proud person who loves writing and wants to share my knowledge and understanding with you.
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